No, no, don’t feel pity or anything, I’m simply acknowledging the fact that I am uneducated.
I got to this point after looking up an old friend of mine. She’s so smart, and I’m so jealous of her. She was able to spend four years at the college of her choice learning how to do a job for an industry she absolutely adores. She got so well-educated and has done a metric-ton of noteworthy things.
And where am I?
I’m on the Internet, making silly videos that most people don’t like.
Is that jealousy? Well, yes. Yes, it is. I’m intensely jealous. I want to be educated. I want to move on to bigger and better things. I want people with authority to look at me and say, “Wow, this woman would be a very valuable asset to us.” Or, maybe one day I’d like to say, “Why yes, it’s great to not have to worry about living from paycheck to paycheck, because I have the job I love that pays me just enough that I don’t worry whether or not I’m going to make rent this month.”
I admit, I messed up. I messed up years ago. When I was initially going to San Antonio College, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. Heck, that’s what community college is for, right? You take some basics and figure out what to do. But I messed up. I initially went for English. I went for English because I was good at English. But I don’t want to be stuck as an English major. It isn’t what I WANT or DESIRE. I started taking Japanese. I loved Japanese. I loved it so much that I took some of the classes twice, even when I had already passed. I wanted to be SURE I was good at Japanese. I’m almost regretting having wanted to be good at it now… (which I’ll get to in a minute). My math and history basically killed me. I admit to not paying enough attention in my last history class, and so I flunked out of that one. I’m also riduculously terrible with math. As it is, I’ve had to take two remedial courses, and I’m still not up to College Algebra yet. And I FAILED the last remedial math I needed. Okay, now, granted, I’m math stupid. But let me give you a little history of me and math. This story starts all the way back in Elementary school-
*Up to Grade 5 – Decent enough in math, able to skip count REALLY fast thanks to the memorization of audio cassette tapes with songs teaching skip-counting by 2, 3, 4, 5, etc.
*Grade 6 – Math grades start to suffer. Start practicing for placement tests for middle school math. Because I knew what to expect on the test, I tested quite well into 7th grade Pre-Algebra.
*Grade 7 – Was put into Pre-Algebra, a very silly idea. Was terrible at it, and failed out of it at the end of the first semester. Was finally appropriately placed into Math 7, the regular 7th grade math class. However, I was at a disadvantage because I had missed all of the building blocks of the first semester. At the end of the second semester, we were given pre-tests for placement into pre-algebra or algebra in the 8th grade. I failed the pre-test incredibly hard. However, after failing the pre-test, the teacher gave us all the answers. Then the real test came. And it was IDENTICAL to the pre-test. I knew all the answers. But not how to get to them. So, I was incorrectly placed into Algebra in the 8th grade.
*Grade 8 – Probably my worst math year in all of history. In fact, they had even placed me into the ADVANCED PLACEMENT Algebra. Well, I quickly bombed out of that, and at the semester’s end, I was put back into regular Algebra. But it was STILL higher than I should have been learning. And it didn’t help that I didn’t get the building blocks I needed the previous year. I attended tutoring every morning, but it didn’t ever help. It also didn’t ever help that the teacher performed some sort of chalk-enduced vocal magical spell to put me to sleep ever afternoon after lunch. She made the terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE decision to allow me to pass her class because I was showing effort that I was actually attempting to not suck at math. No, you know what would have been better? Failing me, and making me take a math that was on my own level.
*Grade 9 – Geometry. That wasn’t so bad. Why? Because it was tangible. It was basic math, with pictures. That was something I could do.
*Grade 10 – Algebra. Oh, now THIS was a joke. Not only had my last run-in with Pre-Algebra been a complete failure, but I should have never passed it to begin with, never have been put into it to begin with, and I hadn’t done Pre-Algebra in a YEAR. I should NEVER have been placed into high school Algebra at this point. This ended up exactly like Pre-Algebra did. I went to tutoring and showed effort. I also got points on homework for showing work, even if I didn’t get the answers right. So, finally, it comes to finals. I’m told, “You’ll pass the class if you make a 70 on the exam.” I try my hardest, but I know I’m failing. I come in to check one day. Teacher picks up my test and doesn’t physically show me my grade. But he says, “…70. Congratulations.” But I’m certain it was another pity grade. C’mon. An exact 70? The exact passing grade I need? Bad idea…
This set me up for bad math grades in college. Failing my first remedial math, having to retake it, then failing the second remedial, and I’m STILL not up to College Algebra.
Anyway, I finally decided I wanted to go into Mass Communications, going either for Radio/Television Broadcast or New Media (you know, like the Internet stuff I already do). I also figured I could probably minor in Japanese. Probably could. Heck, I went off to Japan and studied the language for a while. I could do it.
But now, I’m in this conundrum. I’m relatively close to finishing school. Like, if I decided I wanted to finish my Mass Communications degree, I could do it and finish it in, like, four classes.
But I CAN’T DO IT.
Well, I was taking all of these classes at San Antonio College. The problem is that it’s just a Junior College. After reaching a certain number of credit hours, they don’t allow me to come back. I’ve already reached that point, and now there’s a hold on my account. They won’t let me go back.
I attempted to apply for college at the University of Texas at San Antonio. They’ve actually accepted me. TWICE. My problem? I can’t pay for it. How was I paying for school before? Well, you see, my parents, grandparents, and family friends had given me savings bonds as birthday presents ever since I was born. They had matured quite a bit and earned quite a lot of interest. That covered my schooling up until now.
And now it’s gone.
“So, just go get some loans!” you may say.
Oh, sure, you say that like it’s easy.
I don’t have credit. In fact, I think I have bad credit, even though I have no debt. I had a $500 credit card once. Then I went to Japan and lost it. Along with my wallet, my passport, everything important. That time period was attrocious. I found myself having a difficult time paying for things. And then the credit card didn’t get paid for a while. And that killed my credit. No one will ever give me a loan because of one horrible accident in Japan.
“What about your parents?” They won’t help me. For one, my mom just barely got a job after not having one for, like, five years. My dad has been unemployed since I was at the end of my run in high school. He applies for jobs every day, but everyone is too blind to see that he would make a great employee, and so he keeps getting overlooked (would somebody please help my dad get the job he so greatly deserves? He works so hard…). Their credit is just fine (I believe) but they won’t help me get a loan (won’t co-sign for me). Maybe they’re afraid I’ll ruin their credit when I’m not able to pay or something. Or maybe they truly believe no one would give them a loan, either.
Anyway, it’s become impossible for me to get a loan.
And don’t get me started on how many scholarships I’ve attempted to fill out and been overlooked for. I write essays upon essays and no one so much as responds with, “Sorry, you were not accepted.”
I want to go to school. I want to be an intelligent person. I want to be educated. But, how do I do that? I go to work just to survive. I don’t have the ability to save for college. Even if I did, at this rate, I wouldn’t be going to school again until I’m 35. Why should I have to wait until I’m halfway finished with my life before I’m supposedly “educated” enough to do the work I know I could do right now?
I’m really upset. I always told myself, “I’ll never stop going to college until I’m done with it. If I ever take breaks, I know I’ll never return.” Here, I’ve been out of school for two years now. I’m in a dead-end, uneducated labor job. If I could get a loan, I’m positive I’d be able to pay it off. However, I’ve been rejected on a loan enough times to know that it won’t come.
What do I do now? Do I continue to work uneducated and hope that that’s enough to get me by for the rest of my life?
I desire to learn, I really do. I want the brains. College, you may have my money! Please just give me the opportunity!
Oh, dear God, please…